A Song A Day: January 10th – ‘Test of Character’

10 01 2011

Monday’s are my favourite day of the week. The idea that it’s something new starting out and the potential of what the week will bring is exciting for me. However, as much as this day normally makes me happy, I fear this week will be the biggest test of character for me in some time.

When times are hard mentally, it can be hard to carry on regardless and put on a smile. It can be very hard to put on a front, to hide behind your own mask in order to conceal your feelings from those around you. Life has a million and one ways to test us and it’s these tests which determine who we are and sculpt our personalities. When those who are near and dear to you challenge us to overcome obstacles it can be very hard. Life has a funny way of being that it’s those who are near and dear to us, our best friends and family members who seem to hurt us the most. More often then not, they don’t mean the hardship placed upon us, but we have to deal with what life throws at us. It’s often a battle between what our heart says, and what our brain says. They are usually two different things.

For people like me, who are trying to work through a hard patch of an extremely close friendship with someone who’s been a best friend for close to 12 years now (over half my life) it’s a very emotional battle. When you grow up somewhat together and you’ve shared so much of your life together it cuts deep. I’ve seen them laugh, I’ve seen them cry, we’ve bared our souls to each other and more. Circumstances and status quo’s change. You say things which you may not intentionally mean; there’s a fine line between caring and making your feelings known clearly. You try to state your point, but it comes out with connotations unintentional. You sit up in bed at night, trying to piece the puzzle together, you look for openings, hope and try to seek closure on the bad times and restore normal order. Sometimes it feels like no matter what you do, you can’t seem to win, but you refuse to give up hope. This is me at the moment. I don’t know how we got here, I don’t know how we’re going to find our way back, but I’m praying that you take my hand down that road, wherever it may lead. I’m praying that this is not the end, but merely a passing storm in the sky of life.

Today’s song sums up alot of my personal feelings at this point in time. But the song offers some hope to me, it’s personal message is strong, but the overall tonality suggests to me that there may be some hope, some chance that maybe, it’s not all over, maybe there is hope.

There’s a possibility
There’s a possibility
All that I had was all I gon’ get
There’s a possibility
There’s a possibility
All I gon get is gone with your step

So tell me when you hear my heart stop,
You’re the only who knows
Tell me when you hear my silence
There’s a possibility
I wouldn’t know

Know that when you leave
Know that when you leave
By blood and by mean
You walk like a thieve
By blood and by mean
I fall when you leave

So tell me when you hear my heart stop,
You’re the only who knows
Tell me when you hear my silence
There’s a possibility
I wouldn’t know

Tell me when my sigh is over
You’re the reason why I’m close
Tell me if you hear me falling
There’s a possibility
It wouldn’t show

By blood and by mean
I fall when you leave
By blood and by mean
I follow your lead

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10 responses

22 01 2011
purrfectlee

Wow, what an amazing choice of song to express how you are feeling. On my way to find a download of this now. I absolutely love it. Thank you for sharing what’s going on in your life. I hope that through your music and through this community and within yourself, you find all the strength you need to get through this.

22 01 2011
djbaroque

Thankyou for your kind words. So far things have improved ten-fold since I put this post up. it’s still a tad touch and go, but we’re about 95% of what we normally are, which makes me feel a lot happier. I’m sleeping and eating properly again now which is a relief.

This song is so hauntingly beautiful, it’s sad and has made me shed a tear in recent times, but I’m just about at terms with things. I remember watching New Moon with my friend at midnight, and the montage of shots against this song was very moving.

10 01 2011
Aditi

DJ, I hope you are feeling better by the passing moment and you and your friend is sorting out what was tangled once.
Your post is so very touching and i literally felt what you wrote in my life as well. All i can say is keep your hopes high, don’t give up if there is even a single bit of chance that the things will eventually fell in place and maintain a smile:)
Just Believe.

10 01 2011
djbaroque

I’d point blank refuse to give up hope on this matter. The fact that my friend is so dear to me will make me fight until the end. It’s still awkward for us, but I’m of the same mindset to your comment above.

‘…don’t give up if there is even a single bit of chance that the things will eventually fell in place and maintain a smile:) Just Believe.’

I love this quote. People have said to me by various means since I started this blog that the blog has been inspiring, touching and heartfelt. As nice as it is to know that my posts are moving people, it’s extremely nice to be moved in return by a readers comment.

As I said to Marianne, I’ve just got to take things as they come and hope that the light at the end of this tunnel isn’t a mirage. Thanks for commenting, Aditi

10 01 2011
Aditi

DJ, Awesome I like your fighting spirit. Keep it up and I am sure the light at the end of tunnel is definitely a brighter future for both of you together. She will be back, till then keep on smiling and show her how important she is in your life.
Cheer up

PS: We are all here .. right :)

10 01 2011
djbaroque

Thanks Aditi – I really mean that. I’ll try to make tomorrows song something more uplifting!

10 01 2011
Marianne

I feel your pain. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers that everything will work out for the good of all concerned.

There are no easy answers. Listen to your heart.

10 01 2011
djbaroque

Thankyou, Marianne. I think I’ve done all I can do, I’ve just got to sit this one out and take it as it comes.

10 01 2011
therunninggarlic

Hoping your week ahead is a good one … knowing it will be a challenge for you. Your writing shows deep emotional feelings and I certainly understand how the heart and the brain have two different agendas at times. I sense your inner strength will pull you through this….
Debbie

10 01 2011
djbaroque

Thanks, Debbie – it’s nice to know that someone cares. You’ve been here since the start of my blog and I thank you for your continued support. I don’t know what’s in store this week. I just hope it has a positive outcome. There are deep feelings. It’s crazy, she’s not my girlfriend, but I feel just as much for her as my dear Milky. That sounds bad, but I’m sure you know what I mean.

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